Whoa whoa whoa, who’s asking? Just kidding. Lol. I don’t even know, so if you’re asking me, you’re asking the wrong person. But I’m learning and understanding more and more about who I am each day and each year. As of now I am 24 years of age, and the amount of knowledge of self has grown exponentially only within the last 4 years. Let me explain…
Before the age of 21 I had an image in my head of who I thought to be “the perfect person”. They would be strong, independent, honest, outgoing, understanding, loving, caring, and someone who would do anything to give a helping hand.
I thought I was this person. But life and reality were like no girl, look at who you really are and BOOM. Mistake after mistake, heartbreak after heartbreak, lie after lie, tear after tear, just nonstop trauma and dissatisfaction. (THAT I WAS CAUSING!) Throughout my teenage years it was all confusing and I didn’t truly understand anything like I thought I did. I had more fear than courage, I had more weaknesses than strengths, and I had more assumptions than facts. For most of us, it’s usually like that but we don’t ever realize it until it’s pretty much too late.
Which you can imagine, I had a big hole I had to dig myself out of. But I did, well kind of, but some people are not able to say that. Believe it or not I still have so so much to learn and understand. Just about myself, screw the world right now, the world has been the same and will remain the same. Changing the world is more difficult than changing yourself. Truly, you have to change yourself in order to change the world anyway. A lot of us do not want to admit that part though, that’s why we find ourselves struggling with the same problems we always have struggled with.
So, who am I today? Well. if I’m being honest, I’m still sort of the same person I’ve been. I’m not proud to admit it, but I have to, nonetheless. I’m lazy, very very lazy, think of me almost like an empty shell. I said almost. Truthfully though, I have little to no drive. I have yet to find something that pushes me to my limits and motivates me to be more than what I’ve been. It’s sad, when it was brought to my attention the only thing I could do was cry and sorrow in my own self-pity. Disappointment and embarrassment are the only things that I felt boiling in my blood. How could I not realize this before? How could I not be more self-aware? How did I allow myself to become so selfish? No, how did I fool myself for so long?
That’s what it was, I was fooling myself. I worked hard at my day-to-day job, just so everyone knew they didn’t have to bother me because I knew what I was doing and if need be, I could do it better than anyone else. I took pride into that, but when I thought about what that really meant… well it was meaningless at the end of the day. Every 9 to 5 job I ever had I never truly cared about. I knew they were all temporary. I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, so it was almost like its wasted energy and effort.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned valuable social skills and life skills from them all. How to communicate with other humans, how to manage time and resources, how to apply different lessons to myself and how to be. But what was that all worth if I didn’t have an actual passion to put it towards? That’s what I’m learning now. Everything I’ve done, everything I’ve learned what’s the point if I have nothing outside of those 9 to 5’s to share it with. Truly I’m just spoiling my own spirit at that point. Giving my energy towards nothing just to do nothing.
I’m hoping sharing this, even just getting it out of my system is going to help guide and lead me towards something I do care about.
How to Human 